Bad Jobs to do on a Late Night Shift

• Host a live game show on National Television

• Sell magazines at traffic signals, ie if anyone stops to buy them

• Practice wild life photography. With the right exposure and shutter speed you might hit it big at art circles

• Sell credit cards over the phone. Ask for a reference if the party is not interested

• Conduct research on solar energy

• Achha sorry PJ tha. Bas kya?

• Work for a call center. That's just generally a bad idea with the recession on

• Deliver couriers, don't expect a hefty tip

• Become the telephone attendant for Love Line Reloaded

• That's not such a bad job actually coz there's unlimited stock of hilarious personal problems

• Play test cricket for a living. But whatever happens, do not accept any role in Hurman Baweja movies

Birthday ideas for Abhishek Bachchan

• Gift him an exact replica of the Padma Shree Award. This will ease egos at home

• Gift him shaving cream, that stubble just makes him look like a wannabe Ranvijay

• Send him to Dr. Watsa for sexual counseling :P

• Tell him how PETA found Aishwariya's "Pink Panther" offensive

• Gift him 6 maps of Delhi

• Spread some daanas where he parks his car, the kabootars will do the rest

• Challenge Abhishek to a sword fight

• Ask him if he's seen luck by chance, by any chance

• That's not a birthday gift. It's just generally a good conversation starter

• Anyway, while you are having that conversation, please also ask him what 'masakalli' exactly means

• Crank the volume up at his birthday party and have the cops raid it

• That will be complete celebrational attayachaar

Bad times to say touchwood

• When you’re driving behind a truck, by chance

• Every time someone asks for directions

• When you’re around a carpenter

• In bed, with your GF/BF

• When you meet Woody Allen

• As a complimentary close on your emails

• While talking to yourself

• In the middle of a patriotic song

• While hitting on women, “you have beautiful eyes, touchwood.”

• If you are in a furniture store

• While watching dostana

• During an interview when you’re telling your boss about your work experience

• Hope you had fun reading this, touchwood – oops :P

THINGS TO DO:In a Cab

• Ask the cabbie for his name, age and experience before occupying the cab

• Purposefully mispronounce your destination

• Sit at the back and tap on his shoulder till he looks back

• When he does look back tell him to focus on the road

• Ask him if he’s on Orkut. You’ll be surprised to know :P

• Insist that he stops the meter every time the cab stops at a signal

• If you’re with a friend, call each other by a different name after every few sentences

• Switch places with your friend at regular intervals

• Ask the taxi driver if he’s seen Taxi Driver.

• BTW, have you seen Taxi Driver? Robert De Niro ka awesome role hai usme!

WHAT IF: You're New At The Gym

• If your coach wants you to work on your ‘upper thigh’, appoint a new coach

• If you feel your supporter is just two sizes too small don’t wear it

• Do people look at you every time someone says “I need a bigger dumbbell”?

• If the treadmill refuses to start for you, look around like nothing’s wrong and make a quiet exit

• Remember that men also use the leg curler

• If they’re out of punching bags, don’t go, just don’t go to gym. It’ll do your health a world of benefit

• When there are members of the opposite gender in your changing room. Doesn’t work if you’re K Jo

• Do not take the term ‘bench press’ too literally

• When a fat lady tells you she needs help with her leg lifts, run away.

WHAT IF: There’s a Cross Connection on Your Phone

• Fake a foreign accent to convince your caller that it’s an international call

• Sell insurance, read the offer documents carefully before investing

• Ask him if he’s seen Kismet Konnection

• Ask for his ASL but don’t call him that

• Say you’ve got another call waiting and put him on hold

• Act like you actually know this guy, by chance :P

• Change the topic every fifteen seconds

• Repeat everything he says, only louder

• Tell him this is the number for MTV Loveline Reloaded and dig out his personal problems

• Say “Kabeera speaking” in a very husky voice

• Press random buttons and annoy him with the beeps

• That will be full on Connectional Attayachar

How To: Make Money During Recession

• Apply for a job at the employment agency

• Touch your nose with your tongue and ask for money

• Sell Yoga Training DVDs

• Start writing the Tickr and call it a job

• Copyright a common phrase like ‘hello, how are you’ and ask for royalties

• Appreciate art, paintings and poetry

• Teach people how to rap

• Sell your soul; but if you’re looking for long term income rent it out

• Make a squishy sound outside a public toilet

• This won’t earn you any money, although it will make you look less jobless

• Volunteer for security duty at any Hurman B film

• Work at the canteen during recess - and save money for recession

• Model for before and after weight loss pictures

• Be a financial adviser to Satyam

• Ask for money after writing all your friends an Orkut Testimonial

What if: You're stuck at a boring family function

• Ask out loud, "Why are we here again?"

• Point randomly and stare at nothing in particular - it'll make you look mature & thoughtful

• Repeatedly ask your relatives for their full names

• Bring Satyam shares as gifts

• Address everyone only by their full names, insist on being addressed similarly

• Constantly stare at the elder people and wait for them to look away

• Ask someone for the way to the bathroom, before he answers run away randomly

• Insist on singing the National Anthem before the function starts

• Play pakda-pakdi, but don't tell anyone :P

• Take a head count, update it every 5 minutes

• Set your Facebook status from your phone

• Fwd yourself a joke, from your phone, and laugh out loud

• If you're made to attend too many family functions? That's total Functional Attyachar